As I sit here listening to Tracy Chapman in the background. I noticed I’ve been feeling rather deep as of late. I don’t know where it began, but my spirituality is changing. I’ve always carried spirituality within me, but I had my lost moments. Where I was self-medicating, depressed and hurt. Where I questioned life and it’s purpose.
My life is changing as I know it. It feels good to feel emotions again, I’ve always felt so numb. Well, not always. As a kid I was care-free, singing… dancing…. playing in the trees.
I won’t go into what closed me off to the world, but I’ve always been reserved with showing who I really am. Left parts of my life hidden…. the type who’s always in her head.
I’ve also had my loud, obnoxious moments where my self-hatred exploded conflicting anyone in sight. I was usually drunk, or so devastated by the way I let people treat me. So I’d blow up at them, to cover up what I truly felt about myself. I realize now how wrong that was.. you have to learn somewhere right? I take responsibility for my own actions and I see my worth now, I didn’t always see it so clearly.
I’m getting to know myself again, now that I’m sober and I’m in love. While, it’s great to feel comfortable enough to re-discover myself. I’m forced to deal with emotions, emotions that have bugged me multiple times in the past, but I’ve been able to run away from.
See, being in a relationship. It’s like looking at yourself in a mirror. You will not grow from avoiding issues about yourself that you reflect on your other half.
Triggers exist everywhere and I can’t run anymore. I have to face these fears, these problems that I’ve held onto for years. For his sake, for my sake.
So here is a toast to healing, and the new moon.