Changes within me


As I sit here listening to Tracy Chapman in the background. I noticed I’ve been feeling rather deep as of late. I don’t know where it began, but my spirituality is changing. I’ve always carried spirituality within me, but I had my lost moments. Where I was self-medicating, depressed and hurt. Where I questioned life and it’s purpose.

My life is changing as I know it. It feels good to feel emotions again, I’ve always felt so numb. Well, not always. As a kid I was care-free, singing… dancing…. playing in the trees.

I won’t go into what closed me off to the world, but I’ve always been reserved with showing who I really am. Left parts of my life hidden…. the type who’s always in her head.

I’ve also had my loud, obnoxious moments where my self-hatred exploded conflicting anyone in sight. I was usually drunk, or so devastated by the way I let people treat me. So I’d blow up at them, to cover up what I truly felt about myself. I realize now how wrong that was.. you have to learn somewhere right? I take responsibility for my own actions and I see my worth now, I didn’t always see it so clearly.

I’m getting to know myself again, now that I’m sober and I’m in love. While, it’s great to feel comfortable enough to re-discover myself. I’m forced to deal with emotions, emotions that have bugged me multiple times in the past, but I’ve been able to run away from.

See, being in a relationship. It’s like looking at yourself in a mirror. You will not grow from avoiding issues about yourself that you reflect on your other half.

Triggers exist everywhere and I can’t run anymore. I have to face these fears, these problems that I’ve held onto for years. For his sake, for my sake.

So here is a toast to healing, and the new moon.

New beginnings.

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  1. Shay says

    Thank you for your post. It was EXACTLY what I didn’t know that I needed to read. I’m an addict on my millionth attempt at recovery. I do really well up until the point where I come to, and spend a minute or two absorbing….feeling….& regretting…..(ugggggg…)All the wreckage I’d created loaded. But just as you said, I am in such a different place spiritually and mentally- it sounds ridiculous, but I have just been driving myself insane trying to identify every single uncomfortable feeling I’m experiencing. When I read your post, I realized all at once that I needed to face my fears, as difficult as they may get. And to remind myself that feelings…experiences..& being truly present – they’re all are part of life. The part of life I’ve missed terribly for far too long.

    Thank you for reminding me how desperate I’ve been to have my own new beginning. And helping one sick addict stay clean, at least for tonight.

    • says

      Thank you for the encouragement! I feel touched by your comment, so powerful! I’m happy you read this when you needed it, sometimes signs will come to you in random ways. It was super healing for me to write this out too. I was a bit ashamed before, but now I realize I have no reason to be and to hide something that was and still is a large part of my life. Even though I’m off alcohol. I know I will always have an addiction and will want to drink. It’s all about balance though and anything can be addicting if you think about it. Right now, I’m struggling with sugar. While, most people think sugar is acceptable…. to most people it’s not as big of a deal as a drug addiction or alcohol addiction. But, it affects my health. I guess it’s all each individuals thought process and moral lines. I had a problem getting off alcohol because a lot of people think alcohol is acceptable just because it’s legal(which isn’t true.) So a lot of people would just offer it to me left and right, thinking that it wasn’t an issue. When it indeed WAS for me. It’s a painful process though, you have to do a lot of self-reflection. Once you get past that, it’s worth it. I can’t say I will never binge on alcohol again, but I’ve been semi-clean for 2 years. I have had alcohol about once a year and it was so much drama that I didn’t touch it for another year. I haven’t felt any want or need for alcohol in my life right now, which is good. Sometimes I think binges serve a purpose, it’s a learning experience. It’s all in perspective. But, yes emotions are hard to deal with and sometimes it’s easier to numb it all out. It’s more worth it to go through the emotional waves, even if it’s painful. You are able to heal holes that were missing in your life. It’s much more fulfilling long-term than numbing yourself with substances. That’s also why I choose to ride out my depression rather than going to the doctor to get drugs. I think we have emotions for a reason, we all have a dark side and a bright side. I think it’s better to face BOTH, especially your dark side. Resolve your inner conflicts so your light can shine. Or else you will spend your life fighting with yourself and denying these dark feelings that exist in everyone. I’ve always been the type to put myself down and hate myself. Once I realized I was victimizing myself, I was able to empower myself. Now others can’t make me feel bad about who I am, only I can do that. I took responsibility, I realize others judgements are based on their own fears/hidden resentments. Not my personal flaws. I guess once you point out YOUR flaws to yourself, no one can use them against you and it empowers you to overcome them. I’ve been blessed to be able to think like this because I didn’t always have this perspective. I know I will always struggle with depression and my first thought will be to avoid my emotions and conflict, but now that I understand that. I can talk myself out of making rash decisions. I would rather ride through the waves, than spend my life not feeling or remembering the things I did. It’s scary to face yourself, but the rewards are worth it after you get past those dark feelings. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Sorry, I’m a total rambler lol. Lots of love. Xo!